Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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