he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
