I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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