Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
