Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
