The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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