don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
high people should be assigned attendants
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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