guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
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