Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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