so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
