i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize