My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
