He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
