I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
