I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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