Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
