Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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