I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this will be a night to untag.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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