I just pynch a tree in the face
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
