listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
