Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
