In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
