I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
