I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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