and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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