she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I look better un-naked...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
