Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
