My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
