How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
