sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
