I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
