I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
