Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
