I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
