I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
