The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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