I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
