Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
