he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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