Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
