yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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