and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
did you just send me my own nude
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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