I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
