i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
