If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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