fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
