I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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