waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
