Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
