Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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Blood and glitter go together right?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
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Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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