someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
