Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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