Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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