You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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