If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
