Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
