Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
