Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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