I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
