I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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