ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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