I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
